Mentalist Episode Tag: Red in Tooth and Claw, 5x14
by Donnamour1969
Summary: Set immediately post episode. Jane and Lisbon discuss dating, dinosaurs, and Achilles heels. Spoilers, 5x14. Friendship/humor, hints of Jisbon. Mild language.


A/N: What a fun episode! Yes, it was silly in parts, but it is so nice to have a classic Jane episode where he cleverly solves the crime, with lots of little humorous bits throughout. I know I'll be grateful for this when whatever darkness that is surely coming finally gets here. So thanks, Jordan Harper (writer of the episode), for the lift in my spirits, and for the lovely hints of Jisbon. Hopefully we can live on these moments until another new episode on March 3 *sigh*.

**Episode Tag: "Red in Tooth and Claw", 5x14**

"So," said Lisbon as she and Jane sat on her office couch, picking their winnings from their molars. "What did Dr. Kidd want last night?"

"Huh?" his said innocently, eyes closed as he lay his head back against the cushions.

"I saw her going through security as I was leaving for the poker game. I figured she was coming to see you."

Jane opened one eye. "Why would you assume that?"

She snorted a little through her nose, and ate another purple dinosaur. "Don't be coy. I bet a million carnivores that she asked you out."

He shifted in his place uncomfortably, closing his eye again, his mouth in a firm line.

"You don't even have ten. You lost most of them to me, remember?"

True, he had smoked her at poker, just like he'd promised, but she knew he'd been cheating somehow. At least, that's how she comforted her bruised ego.

"Don't try to change the subject. What did she want?"

"She wanted to thank me for cracking the case, Lisbon, which is something, I might add, that you neglected to do in your haste to get to your little schmooze fest."

"Thank you, oh Great One," she said wryly. "Now…fess up."

She glanced down to see his fingers worrying his ring. He did that whenever he was nervous or thinking of his wife. She wondered which it was at the moment.

"All right. She came on to me a little, but I politely rebuffed her. End of story."

"Why?"

"Because that's all there is to tell."

"Oh, shut up. You know what I mean. Why did you put her off? She's a beautiful, intelligent woman. Exotic even. It's not like you're celibate anymore…"

Jane opened his eyes and looked at her with a rare flash of anger.

"Too far, Teresa." He moved to get up, and she laid a forestalling hand on his leg.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."

He looked down at her hand, and his ire melted away immediately. "Too much sugar, I imagine." He smiled a little in forgiveness.

"Still…you didn't answer the basic question."

He sighed, realizing she wasn't letting this go. "I'm not looking for romance. There's too much on my plate right now. Besides, look what happened the last time I dated."

She wondered if he meant Lorelei Martins, Erica Flynn, or Kristina Frye. All of them were disasters, so whichever way you sliced it, his point was well made.

"Sonia Kidd didn't seem too…nefarious."

"She obviously has a scandalous past. Female drama is a real turnoff for me these days." Of course, he had to retaliate by deflecting his discomfort onto Lisbon now.

"Nice to know you've been dipping _your_ toe into the dating pool lately. Was Mancini at the poker game last night?"

"No," she said, hackles up, as he'd intended. "And we haven't exactly been on a date. Poker games with the boss, judges, and other big whigs don't count. It's like having too many chaperones at the dance."

Jane grinned. "Kirkland, then."

When she was quiet, he looked at her with narrowed eyes. He wasn't sure he liked this game anymore.

"I haven't seen him in awhile," she said softly.

"He didn't dump you…?" He actually sounded outraged for her.

"No. I mean, things were casual. It's not like he's my boyfriend or anything."

"Hmmm. Good to know. The guy creeps me out."

"What? Why?"

"Just a feeling. He's too Old World mafia for my taste."

"That's ridiculous."

"Oh, really. Have you seen his clothes? His hair? Right off the cover of _Godfather Quarterly _if you ask me_. _And something tells me he knows where all the bodies are buried."

"Stop it, Jane. You're just getting back at me for asking about the monkey doctor."

"And you're just getting back at _me _for whipping your ass at poker," he countered. "So I'd say in the grand scheme of things, we're even."

There came an awkward silence, which eventually lapsed into a companionable one as each mulled over their heated conversation, coming to the conclusion that the other had merely stated some hard truths. Quietly, he handed Lisbon the bag of gummy dinosaurs. She reached into the bag and took his peace offering gratefully.

"The herbivores are better," she said conversationally.

"I don't know, Lisbon," he replied, fishing out a purple carnivore. "Rigsby was telling me that the T-Rex could chomp on his victims with around 5,000 pounds of force…"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not getting sucked into the middle of the dinosaur wars with you guys. And you really should be banned from the gift shops, trouble maker."

"But I thought you liked the gift I got you."

She gave him another dirty look, and her eyes strayed to her desk where a museum logoed coffee mug sat, decorated with all kinds of worms and other creepy crawlies. He'd even filled the inside with candy worms too, the ass.

"You know I didn't. You're never going to let me live down my little issue with flesh eating worms, are you?"

She shivered in spite of herself at the horrible memory. All those worms—she could have sworn she could hear their disgusting little mouths, chewing and chewing and chewing on that poor woman. She pushed away the bag of candy, suddenly feeling ill again.

"It was a totally understandable response, Lisbon. And at last I've discovered your Achilles heel. Why, even Indiana Jones had snakes, so you're in good company."

"I wish I had a vat of flesh eating worms right about now," she said ominously.

"Why, feel like fainting again?"

She rose suddenly and went to her new coffee mug, then unceremoniously dumped the contents onto the table, where they quivered a little nauseatingly. She grabbed the box of cards and threw it at him, which he caught neatly, even though his eyes were half-closed.

"Here," she said. "I demand a rematch. And no cheating this time."

"Now, Lisbon, don't take your weak stomach out on me…"

He joined her at the table, and they began meticulously sorting the worms by color.

**A/N: Thanks to Tinuviel Undomiel for the coffee mug idea, and to Jordan Harper himself for the Indiana Jones mention on Twitter. You guys should join the Mentalista party with us over there. It's so fun to talk to writers, directors, actors, composers, and advisors from the show, not to mention some of your favorite fanfiction authors from this site. We have a lot of fun there!**

**Until my next tag, I hope you'll check out my current fic, "Ruby Tears." It's helping me get through these long weeks without new episodes. Maybe it'll help you too :).**


End file.
